Subtitle: “Innocence Gone.” Experiment with Charcoal and UV powder on Rag Cotton Paper. A3.

Taken from the last photograph (I know of) when I was a teenager. Photos of me from then onwards are few and far between. Any that do exist aren’t widely shared. Experience has made me an incredibly private person. I have spent a life hiding in the shadows, for fear of being found. Again.

The imagery represents the growing inner demons, which haunted and tormented me for most of my adult life. Glasgow Unicorn was a way for me to finally express these feelings. Trying to explain feelings is hard at the best of times. You can have a vivid mental image you are trying to express as a story. Some people are amazing at this, and others struggle. I thought I was doing well at describing things, but it seems that I was beyond cryptic at best.

I hadn’t really intended to go down a very dark path when I decided to return to physical expression over virtual representation. I stopped painting and being “physically” creative for many reasons, mostly my own – primarily confidence. I never really shared any of my previous work, and beyond a few photos none of it remains.

Confidence is something which was stolen from me. Since creating “Glasgow Unicorn”, which was intended as a ‘one off’ exercise in self-expression, I seem to have moved rapidly from “fantasy” and “abstract” type pieces to realism. The paper series, which will be drawing to a close soon, was intended to let me experiment with ideas for future pieces. The rapid progression to cryptically cataloguing a journey and exploring mental health on paper has been incredibly therapeutic. Catharsis has been an entirely welcome, but unintended, bonus.

For those who have found the more “dark” or “distressing” pieces I have completed to be worrying, I urge you to fear not. In two weeks (tomorrow), I will have covered over 30 canvases (mostly as polyptichs), and sketched out a similar number of idea pieces. The idea pieces, presented on paper, have allowed me to discover that charcoal isn’t as horrible as I had always believed. The brief spell in school, when you’re handed some paper and charcoal, was my least favourite time in Art Class. For “Miner Panic”, I had intended to use some locally sourced coal. I used charcoal instead, and enjoyed it. It is now my favourite tool on Rag Cotton paper.

I wanted to post a piece a day. Glasgow Unicorn was “born” on Friday 5th March 2021. This is the 18th piece I’ve posted, between “finished” pieces and my “sketchbook”. Every single one has been created since the 5th. I’ll call that 5 in hand, there have been days where I’ve not painted or sketched. This has been a fairly long post, yet it is relevant. This piece “closes the chapter” on a period of life which was turbulent and damaging. Though my expression of the darker points of my psyche, I have taken power away from them. I have posted 18 pieces in 13 days (with two to follow). As part of my healing process, I need to recognise what has been. It is mostly in the past. Even if I stop creating things now, I will be happy. I have achieved something in two weeks that I did not think that I could. For those who have worried for me, thank you. The term I’ve been searching for to explain the darker images is “exorcising inner demons”. The boxes are all unlocked, and I am unafraid to look inside most of them. If it’s too scary, I can close it again. If I have sketched it, or painted it, I’ve recognised it. I’m staring it in the face, and saying “f*ck you”. The demons have had enough of my life, I am having the rest of it. Hopefully long into the future. Hopefully still painting things and expressing myself.